Started writing May 6, finished writing May 7.
Good evening to my readers,
Facebook has been pounding me with memories from two years ago. Hard to believe that two years ago today, I landed at JFK airport in NYC from my seven months traveling around the world. I went to my former job office in NYC to say hello, then spent the night at a friend’s who let me use the laundry and shower which was much needed after two nights and two days of traveling from Tyndrum, Scotland back to the states. Thanks again Zach!
Earlier this year, I spent some time contemplating and trying to figure out what are my pillars; what principles and aspects of my life am I willing to negotiate/compromise on and which am I not? What things are most important to me? These are pretty personal at this point and I don’t feel like sharing them, but suffice to say I’m happy that they’re identified and on paper so that I don’t forget them.
Why am I writing this evening? Well, I haven’t written anything in a while and I’ve had some changes in my life. Around the end of March, I realized I was approaching the 2-year anniversary of returning home from my trip and so have been living with my parents since then. I’m happy that I was home while dealing with my hospitalization from about a year and a half ago because of my eye problems (nothing really concrete figured out on that front).
So, while I’ve figured a few things out about myself, I’m still not sure what I want to be when I grow up (what I want to do and where I want to live), I realized that it was time to move out, to get my own flat, and spend some time working on being thankful for what I do have, asking God to help me be content with my current situation because there’s nothing wrong with it. I just always find that I want to be somewhere I’m not…always looking farther ahead than I probably should, dreaming, scheming, and trying to make some long-term epic plan for my future. But no solid idea or long term goal is sticking. So day-by-day it is for the time being.
I had a pretty good plan formed until I asked my two separate naturopath doctors about my plans to travel to less-hygenic places, and both, in one way or another, raised their eyebrows and kindly discouraged the trip. Hence the reasons for looking at the mountaineering course in Canada that I mentioned in my previous post. I was planning to sign up for that course; I had the money and the time off approved by my work, but no conviction or gumption. Nothing was falling into place, nothing felt “right.” And then COVID-19 was racing around the globe, causing another level of anxiety.
In mid-late April, I looked at an apartment in Chittenango, NY. It was the perfect location, a beautiful apartment, and a reasonable price, and so I signed a lease. Before signing, I had had several weeks (probably 4-5 weeks) where I had a totally scattered brain trying to weigh all my options… let’s see if I can try to convey the level of scatter:
– Hmm…. savings; I could do something with my savings… trip? No, I have a good job – I shouldn’t leave it. Van build? No, that would break the bank and I don’t want to do that right now….save more money and then think about it. Oh, what if I buy a new car? Small SUV to compromise between tiny car and a big van build? Hmm… no I don’t want a gas guzzler if it’s not going to be everything in life (home and transportation). What car would I get? Do I want to be able to tow a small camping trailer? Oh, I want a roof rack so I could potentially put a roof-top tent on the car (think and/or google Tepui car roof tents)…Oh, also, if I have roof-top tent, how will I transport a bike – oh wait, I don’t really ride my bike much anymore… I need a decent small car that can tow…. oh, but gas mileage…I want good gas mileage. If I get a roof-top-tent, do I need to be able to tow? How much could I get for my current car? How much should I put down for a new car? New car or used car? How fast can I pay off any new/used car?
I know there were other thoughts racing around by head, but trying to weigh all the possibilities and what-ifs and I-could’s got out of hand. I finally realized I was in analysis paralysis and needed something to limit the seemingly too many options available. And acting like a real adult can do that pretty quick. Ok, that sounded harsh – but it’s the thought that came out of my “stream-of-consciousness” writing and so figured I would put it down and then say “ooops” that was harsh. Maybe what I mean is that I took off my rose-colored, all-happy-path, glasses and looked at the reality for a few minutes. In reality, I just sat myself down with mom in her sewing room and reasoned some things out with myself and her there for a sanity check. After that extended period of time in “what-if land”, I finally made the decision to sign the lease for the apartment.
I have been living in my apartment for a week and a half now. And I am loving it. I am especially fond of my living room. Sitting here at my tiny desk that leaves absolutely no extra space for clutter. The week during which I moved, it was with mixed emotions. “Why?” you ask. The last two years I’ve hoped and sort of thought that I would get back out on the road and make this incredibly epic life for myself; I’ve wanted to remain light and mobile with minimal possessions. And now, I have furniture, great kitchen appliances, an amazing vacuum, a plant that I’m trying to keep alive (always a challenge for me – plants are so demanding; they keep asking for water like every week!! LOL)… and while I was moving, these possessions weighed on me, making me feel like a million pounds, bound to the central New York region for the unforeseeable future. And now I sound ungrateful.
I’m so blessed! While I’m not really where I pictured myself being a year or two ago, I have so much to be thankful for and I know that. And the years are just flying by, so maybe it will be a year of discovery and I’ll know where I want to be by next spring! But I won’t hold my breath because it seems to be taking a lot of time to figure that out. 🙂
I’ve had a few doctors appointments canceled because of COVID; a dentist appointment and two appointments in Canada. So I hope to get those rescheduled sometime relatively soon. Also, recently I started waking up with some pretty good neck pain and stiffness. Thankfully one of our local chiropractors is still open through all of this and was able to get an appointment.
Apparently the curvature of my neck is not what it’s supposed to be which can cause due pressure on the spin and impede the nerve impulses that travel from the brain through the spinal cord to the rest of the body. This could possibly explain the intermittent/roaming slight numbness I’ve been experiencing in the skin on my fingers, top of my hands, and my forehead. I figured that since I’m spending funds on other medical practitioners, why not throw some chiropractic care in there as well.
I did have a follow-up with my neural ophthalmologist at the beginning of April which went well. She keeps saying that my vision is stable and ever so slightly improving or I’m just getting better at the tests which I tend to doubt since I don’t take them nearly as often as I did about a year ago.
Either way, much to be thankful for all around!